The Difficulty of Maintaining Friendships
This is probably one of the hardest posts that I’ve written. I know people will be offended, be hurt, and likely stop being my friends. The sad part is, those same people will not stop and realize that this comes from a true place of struggle, that my depression is very real, and my feelings are valid.
Wouldn’t it be great if we just made friends and then that was it? Movies and TV shows would lead you to believe that it’s normal to meet your friend soul mate in kindergarten and that you will be friends for life.
That isn’t the norm, that’s the exception.
I can honestly say, I am no longer friends with anyone from public school, high school or even college. Friendships have ended for a number of reasons, time and distance being the main reasons. Sometimes it’s me (I’m a big girl, I can admit the truth) and sometimes it’s them.
Look, I know I’m not perfect and that I’m not for everyone. I can take things too seriously, or not seriously enough. I may not call or text every day or even every week. We might go a really long time between seeing each other. None of this means I don’t care. I still value the friendship and want you to succeed and be happy.
Recently, I’ve been struggling with a ton of questions about myself and friendship in general.
History
I recently wrote a post about breaking up with a friend. That post was incredibly hard to write, and hard to admit. The truth was, the person in that post chose to stop being my friend almost a YEAR ago. They lied to me, ghosted me, unfriended and blocked me on socials. What did I do? Absolutely nothing. Talk about a guilty conscience, not to mention childish behaviour.
Recently, that same post is the reason another friend has decided to stop being my friend. Why? because I dared to have feelings? Because I dared to voice them (without naming anyone, which in hindsight maybe I should have)? Ironically, they said “I don’t want to be the star of your next blog post”. Hilarious. They also said “I can’t deal with that right now. It’s not what I want in a friendship”. Ok. You are definitely allowed to decide what kind of friendship you want. But maybe the other person (me) needs something as well.
It’s My Party (blog) and I’ll Cry (write) If I Want To
I mean, this is my blog and I’m literally allowed to write about whatever I want. Sorry not sorry, yes I’m a little annoyed and feeling a bit salty about it. This person was someone I truly valued and wanted nothing but the best for, instead I’m blamed for having feelings about a situation that was entirely someone else’s fault.
If you don’t want to “be worried a post is about (you)” then don’t treat your friends like shit. Simple.
Sadly, I’ve seen other people who I thought were my friends literally talking behind my back, in front of me. Coaching someone on how to not be friends with me. Doing it as a friend, to the other person. Did they, even once, say “actually, she has a right to be hurt and is owned an apology”? No, they did not. While people can choose to be friends with whom ever they want, why does the conversation not also include a “well, maybe person X shouldn’t have done that. Maybe they should apologize?”.
Your Feelings Are Valid
I think people have forgotten that if they do/say something and a friend gets hurt, you are allowed to have feelings and express them. Let me say that again, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS AND EXPRESS THEM!! Holding it against someone who expresses their feelings makes you a shitty person.
And, just a reminder, if someone makes a social media post and your first thought is “oh, that must be about me”, you need to evaluate your actions. It’s your guilty conscience telling you something is wrong. If a person chooses to just post something, it’s as an outlet. Not everyone will confront a person. They will remain quiet while expressing themselves in other ways. Even if you didn’t intend to hurt someone, if they are hurt, then their feelings are valid. Dismissing them and taking zero blame is a dick move.
For a long time, and still very recently, I’ve been told to “just get over it”. Since I was little, I wasn’t really “allowed” to have feelings. My own family would say “why are you letting it bother you? Just get over it”. I do in some cases, and in others it’s not so easy.
So Many Questions
When did it become ok for people to hurt me, but it’s not ok for me to express my feelings about being hurt? Why are we not calling out bad friendship behaviour?
Also, it’s kind of wild when you realize that just because someone has done many nice things for you, they might not actually be a good friend. Sure they support you in some things, but if they aren’t also supporting your feelings, are they really a good friend? Are they defending you when you aren’t in the room?
Are friends not supporting friends because they are more attached to the attention? The social media likes? Because they might potentially loose one person, but they are such a narcissist that the idea of loosing one “follower” is too terrifying?
Also, it’s never ok to make fun of things a person can not change. I have been made fun of because I don’t eat a lot, I get cold easily, I have specific requirements to get a decent nights sleep. They tease out of friendship but it honestly hurts so much every single time. I now hardly ever eat in front of friends, I legit hate going out for meals, I can’t do road trips or travel because I’m usually bullied into an environment that means I can’t sleep which makes me actually sick, and I wear sweaters and get laughed at. How is that friendship? It’s not in “good fun”. Just stop.
It’s About Loyalty
For me, loyalty is huge. I am loyal to my friends. My friends are my family. I will defend and support you as much as I can, especially when you aren’t in the room.
I firmly believe that you should support your friends and family’s businesses as much as possible. If it’s not something you can support financially, then share or like a post or recommend them to others when possible. If you can support corporate retailers or celebrities that you don’t know, you should be able to support someone you consider a friend.
Example, if you tell me that someone, who I barely know, has hurt you through either actions or words, then they are no longer my friend. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to be the norm anymore. The mentality of “they didn’t hurt me” or “it didn’t happen to me” is just all to common now. For me, taking this approach basically means that the only person you are loyal to is yourself. That as long as you have lots of people to hang out with, engage with or socialize with, then you have lots of “friends”. But are they your friends?
In this day of social media, I definitely pay attention to who is “liking” my posts. I know who is reaching out to see if I’m ok (I have a history of anxiety and depressions and struggle with my feelings a lot). And it’s VERY eye opening when someone doesn’t reach out and say “what’s going on, are you ok?”.
Thank You to My Long Distance Besties
I have 2 really great friends who I have long distance friendships with, and have for a while. Do we talk every day? No of course not, but I know, without a doubt they are here for me, But they are not blindly on my side. They encourage me to find different ways of looking at things and try to help me see other side of a the situations, as needed.
Looking To The Future of My Friendships
One thing that was very clear to me this past trip is that the onus is (almost) entirely on me to maintain certain friendships. I’m the one who moved away and everyone else’s lives go on as normal (obviously!). But how do I do that? How do I maintain all those friendships that mean so much to me, alone?
One thing about this move, is that it is giving me the space and distant to see things differently and maybe make some hard decisions that I wouldn’t have the strength or courage to do otherwise.
I don’t want to cut off or lose people. There are so many people in my life that I truly value, but maybe they don’t need to have the same access that they used to. Maybe I change how I do my trips home to prioritize how my happiness instead of what I “should” do to keep everyone happy.
Reminder To Myself
My feelings are valid.
Friendship is hard.
